Happy F$%$ing holidays

For years I threatened to hang a "Merry Christmas Motherf***ers" sign on our porch to celebrate the joyous holiday season.  But my husband wouldn't let me.  Because he is no fun at all.



Truth be told, if he had let me I would have wimped out anyway.

But that pretty much sums up my feelings about the holiday season.  I enjoy the decorating, and the planning, the gift wrapping and excitement, planning lovely family activities.

But then . . . the reality.
I'm shopping for 147 people, and wrapping presents all alone at 1 am.  Making stupid dinner rolls that people keep asking me to make, even though I am so totally over it that I forget them in the oven and they burn. Every time.  Standing in line at some crappy store with a cart full of crappy gifts and sweating because I'm dressed for the freezing cold blizzard outside and its approximately 205 degrees in the store. Looking at the bank account, and credit card statements. Realizing that we're out of toilet paper and we might have to wait until payday if I can't find a few more dollars in the budget.  Or in the bottom of my purse, whatever.

But the last straw? The straw that cooked the Christmas Goose?

My husband.  Happy as can be. Not a care in the world.  Only one person to buy gifts for (me). No cooking or cleaning to worry about. Thoroughly enjoying the holidays.  Which is good, I suppose. Still makes me want to punch him in the neck though.

Hello world . . .

I feel like I could become an actual person again.  One who is more than "just" a mom.  Not that that's a small or terrible thing to be . . . But I'm beginning to be able to look ahead to a time when the kids' immediate needs might not take up all of my energy.

I hope I have a few brain cells left when that time gets here . . .

Anyway, for the 457th time I am committing myself to taking a little time to use my brain.

And my grown up vocabulary.

Even if it is only for a 2 sentence post per day.

words that start with F

Jack and I just got home from walking Miss G to preshool.  It was a perfet day for a walk, warm but not too warm. A little windy to keep the bugs away . . .

On this walk Jack noticed the flags on each and every telephone pole.  Our small town puts them up all over town on memorial day and the fourth of July.  And sometimes flag day.  There is a whole crew of guys who drive around putting flags up and taking them down again. Anyway, that is so not the point.  Point is Jack was obsessed with the flags.  We disussed the colors on the flags - red white and blue according to me, PUUUUUPPLE according to Jack.  This obsession did work in my favor because he is somewhat prone to thowing himself on the ground and refusing to walk.  Running to each flag kept him busy and got us all the way home without me having to carry him.  Coincidentally, he is now napping.  Nothing like walking a mile or two to wear a kid out.

That all sounds pretty wholesome and sweet doesn't it?  Well, here's the thing.  My sweet little two year old was yelling "FLAG" at the top of his lungs. Over and over.  Of course being two it didn't come out quite right.  Depending on his level of enthusiasm it came out as "faaaaag" or "fuuuuuck".  Awesome.  I don't think anyone heard him.  Well, other than ALL OF OUR NEIGHBORS and everybody who lives between here and the school.

Thanks kid.

Karma

I was considering titling this post "I'm an asshole".

Can I admit something?  All winter long normally warmish places south of here were getting snow dumped on them I was laughing.  Hear that Virginia? I was laughing at you. 

That's right, I was chuckling at the fact that a few inches of snow could shut down cities all over the place.  After all, snow and ice and snowplows are the norm around here.  We don't even start to worry until the forecast is for FEET of snow rather than inches.  I was feeling all smug and superior.  I am soooo prepared, bring it on Mother Nature.  I won't turn all wussy when 3 feet of snow dump on us.  I will pull on my hat and boots and shovel, shovel, shovel.  No big deal.

Well, guess what we are NOT prepared for up here? 95 f***ing degree weather.  It is just too hot to go on living.  It turns me into a sweaty (not to mention pale) mess.  It's too hot to move, none of the clothes I own are cool enough, we don't have air conditioning . . . I'm really trying not to complain here . . . but  it is just TOO damn hot.

The kids of course are loving it.  Ice pops, ice cream, playing in the sprinkler . . .

Next winter I will try not to mock all you prepared for the heat but not the snow folks, okay? I'll probably forget though.

what year is this?

Yep, that's me.  Hula hooping.

Yes, it's 2010. 

No, I am not a pot smoking hippie (anymore).

The thing is, you can't be grumpy while you are hula hooping.  It's such a ridiulously silly thing to do that I can't help but smile.  And I need a little more of that.  And perhaps a little less stress eating.

Now, this picture is a month old.  I had only had my sweet hoop (from an awesome etsy shop, go ahead search etsy for hula hoops you will find tons of cool hoops) for a week or two.  I'm not sure why I am leaning over?  I'm almost good at it now, you know if nobody tries to talk to me or look at me.

Also, it's exercise which is allegedly good for you and makes you less fat and double chin-ish.  I'm not really into exercise, but I wouldn't mind dropping a few chins pounds. 

Plus, it drives the huz crazy.

Give it a try, you'll like it.

Next up - tricks.

Things I never dreamed I'd say

I never wanted kids.  It's true.  I never pictured myself being a mother, all the work involved and the, umm, messes, and did I mention all the work involved?  Not for me.

Until suddenly I wanted to have a baby.  Hmm, how did that happen? Clearly I lost my mind.

That was 6 years ago.  Now I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and my mind has turned to mush.  I watch far more Curious George than news. I have far too few conversations with adults.  The things that come out of my mouth are getting more and more ridiculous all the time.  Here are a few examples:

"I have to go potty" I - as in ME, an adult have to go potty.  The 21 year old me would have absolutely died if someone suggested that I would have been saying "potty" in 10 years.

"It's really hard to wipe with you sitting on my lap" Yeah.  Peeing with a sobbing toddler on your lap.  This is what nightmares dreams are made of.

"Where are your pants?" Well, at least I never thought I'd say it to a 4 year old.


and in a similar vein


"I swear she was wearing underwear when I got her dressed this morning" Seriously, disappearing underpants? What the hell?


"Do not wipe poop on that"

"Don't stick your finger in the cat's butt please" I don't know what you think you are going to find up there, but it's not likely to end well.

"That is not a sandbox, it's where the kitty poops" are you sensing a theme here? I am so sick of discussing poop. Also, I am totally sick of cats.  They are almost as much works as kids, and they are sneakier. And my cats are . . .  mentally ill? Emotionally damaged? Effing weird anyway.  More on that another day.


"Please don't open the door- hey wait- Grace Marie get back in- Jesus wait til I get my pants up - aaahhh- w-w-w-wait.  Gracemarie please NEVER open the door while Mommy is still peeing.  It's okay at home but we are in public. Okay?"  yep.   Occasionally we do talk about things other than the bathroom. I think.  We must, right?

What about you? What have you said lately that you never dreamed you'd have to say?

Where the f**** have I been?

I didn't disappear off the face of the earth.  Really.  I'm here and there are some stories waiting to be told.  I'm hoping to start posting on a regular basis but I'm going to have to be more realistic with my goals I guess.  Perhaps a goal of one sentence per day would be attainable?  Well, maybe not every day.   Man am I exhausted, 6 sentences. Oh wait, 7 with that last one. Oops now 8, well 9 including this one. 

See ya in a couple weeks.

project 365 - a note

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umm, there's a bit of a backlog in the process.  I WILL be posting pictures for each day, I just might post a week's worth all at once mmkay?  I have hundreds of photos tp go through and edit and post.  It will get done, but not right now. 

the budget of doom

Well, the budget is done.  A preliminary version. 

It's not quite as bad as I had feared.  On a bad month our mortgage payment is 46% of my husband's take home pay.  That's a big percentage, and it doesn't leave quite enough for everything else.  The good news is, IF we can get the credit cards paid off we should be fine barring any major emergencies.  My income should be enough to cover the difference with a little bit left over.  The bad news is that major emergencies are pretty much the norm around here.  Do you know how much an ambulance ride costs? Do you know how little insurance pays . . .  sigh.  Also, my income is not predictable and not guaranteed.  Some months sales are great, some months not so much.  Sometimes a great fabric comes along at a great price and I buy a hundred yards of it . . . leaving the business account empty and me unpaid.    Anyway, point being we should be able to manage.  And of course there are months when my husband gets lots of overtime and actually makes some money, although that has been pretty rare in the past couple years.  I blame George W. Bush, but that is another story entirely.

You know what annoys me? All that great advice about skipping your daily latte and saving a ton of cash.  I certainly have not been buying a $6 latte every day.  Or, oh I don't know, ever?  Well, okay I DO splurge on a caramel iced latte from Dunkin' Donuts about 3 times a year.  If I were to skip that I could save about 90 cents a month. 

I digress, though.  The first area of the budget I am focusing on is the credit cards.  We should be able to get them mostly paid off with our tax return.  Then I'll pay as much as I can on what's left to get that paid off as soon as possible.

Step two will be to start saving.  I'm not sure if we'll ever get to the point where we have 6 months of living expenses in savings.  Quite frankly it seems unlikely.  We'll start by aiming for one month.

Right now our grocery budget is about $300.  I usually spend about $100 every 2 weeks on groceries and another $100 or more, sometimes much more, picking up bread, milk, etc. between shopping trips.  I would like to cut the grocery budget back to about $200.  I think this is do-able if I clip coupons and only buy things if they are on sale AND I have a coupon.  It's pretty time consuming to shop this way, but I have been doing it for the last few months and it is a nice feeling to have the freezer and pantry full.  Summer is coming and this year I hope to get lots of fresh veggies from the garden for nearly free.  Last summer's weather was not great for the garden - a month of rain followed by two months of no rain at all.  My tomatoes were the only thing that were thriving. Until they developed the tomato blight that was all over the news and I had to rip them out of the ground and throw them out.  Heartbreaking.  Another good reason to start my own seedlings.

So that's the plan.  Wish me luck!

Making a budget makes me want to puke

I'm going to make a budget.  Today.  No, not today.  Soon. This weekend for sure.  There, I said it.  I've committed to it. 

I'm scared.

I don't really want to confront the reality of the amount coming in vs. the amount going out.  It's not one of those crazy horror stories that would land us on Oprah, but it's not good.  Clearly, though, denial is not the best course of action.  I think it will be good to see it all laid out . . . I'm just not sure how we will deal with it once it is.  And by "we" I mean mostly just me.  My husband rejects all responsibility for the family finances. 

There are not a lot of things left to cut from the budget, unless we want to live without heat or water or food, so we might have to get creative.  We might have to eat a lot of oatmeal.  I might have to find a way to go without sleep so I can get more work done.  We shall see. 

I'll post an update in a few days, if I live through this.

project 365 days 9 and 10

So, yes. It appears that I have missed a few days of posts. That's how I roll.

In the interest of having this project take only one year instead of 3 or 4 I'm going to post a few day's worth right now.  So enjoy.  I cannot wait until this cold, dark winter is over and we can spend more time outside where the light is so much nicer for pictures.

concentration

c.o.l.d.

You might notice that these are not great pictures.  It's true, I know.  They sure are cute kids though, arent't they? 

I am trying to accept the fact that I am not perfect (ha! soooo not perfect!) and just post the day's best photo.  Some days the best photo is crap.  So  . . . yeah. Here are a few crap photos.  Hopefully by the end of this they will be much better. 

project 365 day 8 - Machine

Machine

Groundhog Day - it's the new New Year's

I might be a bit behind schedule here, but I'm just getting around to making some goals and plans for the not-so-new-anymore New Year.  In no particular order a few goals for 2010:

• Enter 3 photos in the i heart faces weekly challenges
• Get all my paperwork/mail/paper clutter organized and filed
• Increase sales for the business by 30% from 2009
• Work out on a regular basis (even if a regular basis is only twice a week - better than twice a year)
• Get rid of my double chin so I don't have to contort myself into crazy chin-flattering poses in photos

I guess that's enough for one year, I tend to get overwhelmed easily.  So what are your goals for this year?

project 365 day 6 - Loneliness

Lonliness

I'm not really happy with this photo - I wish there was more contrast, but it was a white chair on the snow covered lawn  so . . . thank goodness for the rust I guess?  Still, there is something about it.  I'm also trying not to post cute pictures of my kids every day. Because, you know, people get sick of that kind of thing.

project 365 day 6 - My Cake!

My Cake!

Jack said his first two-word sentence today. How exciting.  It was "my cake" or more accurately  " mmmyyyyy caaaaaaaaaaaaaaakke!!!" yep, he was a little excited. Then a little over-excited and then suddenly miserable.  It's tough being a toddler, apparently.

project 365 day 5 - Weekend WIP

left sock

A work in progress . . . a cashmere sock. I knit it's mate about a year ago and have vowed to take the time to finish the pair before Valentine's Day.  Of this year.  That's in two weeks.  I figure even if Valentine's Day is a disappointment (which is quite possible, the hubs and I are really bad at being romatic) I'll be wearing fabulous cashmere socks.

project 365 day 4

comfy

The world's oldest dog.  He's not allowed on the furniture because he pees his furry little britches.  This is what I found when I returned home today. Nice Bruno, real nice. At least he's sleeping in a basket of diapers, I guess.

p.s. yes, those are TOTALLY christmas pillow covers. Yes, I do realize it's almost February.

project 365 day 3

sorting

Sorting snaps . . . with Jacks's help.  Dangerous business I tell you.

project 365 day 2

I've been thinking this morning about what exactly I hope to accomplish with this project.  My goal is not to become a professional photographer. I don't have a lot of time to devote to taking and editing pictures.  So what, then, is the point?

I suppose the point is to take out the camera every day and look for inspiration.  To get that part of my brain working.  The point is also to preserve this year of my life in photos.  Mundane photos of things like carseats and sippy cups because soon enough those things won't be part of our every day experience (well, you know, relatively speaking . . . we've still got several years to go with the carseats and sippy cups). To get photos of the things we spend most of our time doing, like playing dress up and eating cookies . . .

Anyway, without further ado, here's today's photo

two tutus

project 365 day 1

A photo a day for a year. Easy, right? Probably not, but here we go.
Day 1 -

Sippy Cup

Thrilling subject for my first photo, no?  Just keepin' it real.  My goals for the year are to learn how to use my camera properly and to get my house clean enough so I'm not embarrassed about all the junk in the background of pictures I take in here. 

bikinis or briefs?

I spent a fair amount of time a few nights ago trying to explain to my dear husband the difference between women's briefs and bikini panties.  Briefs are the ones that come up so high I can tuck them under my boobs.  Well, if my boobs are having an especially droopy day. Which they sometimes do.  Briefs are the ones that stick out a good 2 inches over the tops of my pants.  Briefs are the ones that I wore when I was 10 months pregnant and I needed all that fabric to cover my massive behind. 

Bikinis are the ones I wear. You know, like, every day.  Regular underwear.  Come on, you've seen me in my underwear more than a few times in the past 9 years, right?

At the time I wasn't sure why we were having this particular discussion.  We always get eachother socks and underpants for Christmas (because if you can't wear brand new socks and underwear Christmas will be ruined, duh. ) This year he bought me 2 packages of GIGANTIC white Hanes Her Way briefs.  Yeah, sexy.  Not sure what he was thinking there.  Howerver, I had teased him about it and I thought we were done talking about it, so I was confused when it came up again.

Until this morning.  I opened my birthday presents (or to be accurate, my 3 year old opened them for me) to find - Surprise! - more underwear.  Sexy underwear.  Underwear that made me blush.  And a pair of briefs, just for good measure.  And, what do you know, one pair of good old bikinis.

Pineapple vodka, as promised

Here's what you need -

Some pineapple
Some vodka

If you are using canned pineapple, drain off the juice.  Use it for something, it's yummy.  If you are using fresh pineapple, cut it up.  Try not to injure yourself.  Throw the pineapple chunks into a jar and pour in vodka to cover.  The higher the pineapple to vodka ratio the stronger the pineapple flavor.  I like to completely fill the jar with pineapple before adding the vodka, but half full would probably work too.

In other news, I am still trying to get the blog pretty-fied.  I made an awesome header, but I can't get the effing thing to appear in the template . . .  ah well . . .

The inaugural post

Look at me, typing up the first post on my shiny new blog. I started this blog because there are many things that are a little too . . . PG13 . . . for my other blog. Mama needs to vent sometimes and the business blog is NOT the place for it. Obviously.

I was up in the air about what my very first post (how exciting, how historical!) should be

until . . .

I just concocted the absolute most perfect cocktail ever, well the best this week anyway.
Want the recipe?? of course you do.

Best Day Ever (the cocktail)

1 can of sprite (found in the back of the fridge)
1 shot (or more, whatever, I don't judge) pineapple vodka* plus a few chunks of pineapple
ice

* want the recipe for pineapple vodka?? check back tomorrow.

Yum, yum and yum. This could be dangerous.